April 11, 2020
My mom is 86 and grew up really poor. The worry of running out of something is the one consistent thought she has…every day. She’s not clinically a hoarder, but I’d say she has hoarding tendencies. This means we were packing duplicates and triplicates of several items. “Well,” she said, “I don’t want to run out of my tinted face cream.” “Do you boys want to reach up there and get a few rolls of my good toilet paper? I have to use the good kind.”
“Mom, we have good toilet paper at our house.”
“I just remember that one of you bought me some toilet paper when I first moved in here and it was awful. I’m pretty sure it was you, Jim. I had to use half a roll for one wipe. Do you have the Charmin Ultrastrong? Because that’s what I need.”
“Yes ma’am. That’s exactly the brand we have, so I think you’re good.”
Who knew that there would be a run on toilet paper and we’d be forced to purchase 2-ply. Every time mom has a bowel movement, she has to remind us that there were six rolls of her preferred toilet paper at her apartment. Lucky for us, at her age, her bowels only move about every three days.
April 8, 2020
My OCD has never experienced a pandemic before. Even working from home using my own keyboard, I sometimes panic and clean my own hands to protect me from myself. I've washed my hands so many times to the tune of the ABC song that I'm now ending with, "This handwashing was brought to you by the letters W T F.!"
I've moved on from the ABC song and decided to sing jazz standards instead.
Look at me
I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree
And I feel like I'm clingin' to a cloud
I completely understand
Preventing COVID, just washing my hands
And a thousand violins begin to play
Or it might be the sound of your goodbye
That music I hear
I get COVID whenever you're near
I hope you enjoy this story of madness, money and paranoia.
April 8, 2020
My mom is what I call "passive assertive". She has a way of saying things that make you cock your head like a chimp trying to understand sarcasm. She says things like, "Jim, I'm going to let you get me some coffee...oh, and a breakfast bar--not the crunchy kind. I want the chewy apple one." Then she explains that she "lets" me do these things because, when she's dead and gone, she knows how awful I'll feel about not doing everything I could for her. She doesn't want me to live with that guilt."
This series of podcasts will expose the alchemy of experiences that it takes to change someone's personality from creamy to chunky peanut butter.
We'll explore a plethora of questions such as:
"Would You Rather Shower Me or Fix My Dinner?"
"Honey, Why Aren't You Flamboyant Like All the Other Gays?"
"What Annoys You Most About Me? You Go First Then I'll Tell You What Annoys Me Most About You.
April 8, 2020
How is it that I have no recollection of being a member of the Donny and Marie Fan Club? My sister paints the most detailed picture, yet all I see are two sets of enormous teeth.
April 7, 2020
Picture it...1950, when the word homosexual sounded too clinical. A big-boned queen lounging on the sofa with a martini in one hand and a cigarette in the other, shouts, “Shut the fuck up! Everybody just shut…the…fuck…up!” Sounding like a slightly-less-masculine Kathleen Turner, she continues: “I’ve got it boys. We need to start calling ourselves ‘gay.’ That’ll make us sound shiny and shimmery and showy.”